Posted in BLOG

Crossing through the Threshold

As the clock ticked behind my back, I waited for the hours and minutes to become one, and get to midnight.., it was my birthday :D, as the clock reached 00:00 the silence slowly covered my heart, it became suffocating, and slowly the wishes came, bringing me back to reality..
why do we wait for our birthday? more than that, why do we wait to get wished by people both close to us and even from the ones we have lost contact with.. through a whole year of heartbreaks and falling in love again.. to failures and success that happen at every point of our lives, every time just the day before our birthday there is this heavy weight on our heart.. would they remember my birthday? Have i been enough of an impact in their life? Maybe I am forgotten.. and so on and so forth.. but some people stay from the highs and lows walking by your side.. and yet This time, I found myself Standing at the same place i was two years ago.. I am stuck, by the chains I bound myself with a long time ago.. and after thinking and pulling and pushing for quite a while, Today.. I was made to just stop and think.. I was lectured for quite a while, and it felt so good :D, the seconds felt like hours, and every word was a whole story.
So I am here,filling my own mind with confusion and pessimistic thoughts, I was being held down by my own being.. my fear of never ever being enough or failing and causing issues and losing people, but yeah I got more than enough insight to work with..
I cant force myself out of these chains.. ill have to take them off, unscrew them or whatever it takes one by one.. and the worse thing about it is, I dont know what they are.. maybe im just trying to make it up in my mind.. but even if I am.. I still have to get out of it somehow.. and to do that Ill need to start somewhere.. So im gonna try to get motivated at first.. or maybe segregate things out and tackle them one by one.. its a threshold.. and I have to cross it..
Crossing through this threshold would be the first thing ill have to work on before starting anything new.. get through my issues, either solve them and if they cant be solved be content with what i am.. 🙂 My birthday hopefully will be the new year for me.

Crossing

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Posted in BLOG

Echo..

It’s been a while since I have written and I dont think it’s alright for me to just hop on the train again without paying some hefty price or something.. but a friend told me she really wants me to write and read my posts and I did try to procrastinate it for a few more days, but then.. here I am.. opening myself out and screaming with the few words I can muster at my will…
Well, the last few days have been pretty gruesome for me I will say.. I have exams in less than a week and I havent started studying shit, not cause I dont want to, its just.. I am not really ready for the results of it? I am scared of giving it my all and just never resulting into anything favorable.. Like.. if you ever get a chance to go to mountains or an open enough space and if you scream loud enough? THere will be an echo right? One loud scream of yours, you gave it your all.. and then some more distant shorter ones slowly dissipating into the air with nothing left, and we.. just scream again cause listening to our echo means that what we did resulted in something more beautiful, yet.. we cant scream all the time right? Cause it dissipates.. everything at some point does dissipate.. and giving it your all while screaming for an echo is not an hefty job, so people tend to do it pretty easily without any prior thoughts about it, studying or well loving on the other hand is a long processed work right? you have to sharpen your skills, get better and give it your all? and when it ends up to nothing its just.. painful in some manner, while being in the void has taught me that if you do nothing, nothing will happen to you.. its law of equivalent exchange as in FullMetal Alchemist etc… while one of my close friends told me, I always do half-assed action.. I dont go full throttle at something, well yea I dont.. and the only excuse i can muster is that. cause if I go full throttle, I may lose you and others and I dont wanna be alone cause of my mistakes again. there is so much more on my mind xD, she told me I bend too much.. and I cant deny it or make an excuse for it.. I do, I accept everything haphazardly, and make things calm down as soon as possible, what sucks is that when the other party goes away and I am alone.. there is this stinging continuous pain inside me asking me why did you do that? why didnt you stand up to your feelings and let it all out? when everything on your inside was screaming and breaking apart, why did you just send a laughing smiley and say something funny or weird so nobody can notice? well.. I dont know, its mostly cause I dont wanna ruin anyone elses life anymore, like mine is already half way through hell.. dont want anyone else to be there.. but I am the only reason for this stuff happening to me and I cant do anythign about it can I? above that…people usually have dreams and hopes right>? some goal and ambition that they strive and work for.. well I am conflicted, cause.. well I know what I want to do in life, its pretty stupid but ill keep trying until I make it a reality thats for sure, but I dont know what I want to become.. like what i want to do doesnt want to be anything? I am not accounted for anywhere except obviously behind the scenes maybe, some name hidden in some book at some corner.. a signature on an unfulfilled contract types existence, but yet I wanna be more.. I wanna become something while doing something thats entirely different, but living two lives is.. tiring, and I have no idea what i want to become,i I have to start somewhere right? And I have no idea where to start.. Travelling is fun to do, but it sucks when you dont know where to take the first step :/
Echo

Posted in Poem

Crime

Light brown eyes,

Two slender arms..

Asleep in front of me

She looks so calm.

 

She doesn’t snore,

She isn’t making a sound.

Holding her body close to her,

She is heaven bound.

 

She makes cute faces,

She has a funny smile,

Like an angel on the Earth,

She has totally invaded our mind.

 

She is like a hyperactive kid,

But she doesn’t keep that to herself..

She interacts with everyone, and makes them active,

And within an instant, goes straight to bed.

 

She’s lived her for a couple of days..

And has actually irritated us beyond belief.

Still, it’s the kind of irritation you can bear for a lifetime..

Maybe a few days more, and we will never want her to leave.

 

Holding her own space, in this house of mine..

Maybe calling her here, was a stupid crime

Cause the more she stays, the more im afraid that she’ll have to go,

Would we just simply miss her, just simply feel low?

Or would she take us a precious part of us with her,

And we could feel complete when she is with us too J

Posted in BLOG

Sister

Brought up through hell,
Yet she could wear a bright smile.
Even though her heart was breaking apart..
She could hold someone else up with all her might..

While memories still haunted her.
Her tears had all the truth in her eyes..
Her past slowly destroying her present
She still had a strong lookout for the future in sight.

She held my hand when I was small,
I still remember her slap, that was projected at my face.
Yet she protected me in silence,
From all the hell, she witnessed every day

We grew apart with time,
But still she would be a dear old sister of mine.
Its probably impossible to connect like normal siblings.
But just for her smile, ill give up my life.

While she lacks in nothing she wants to do,
There is a still a sudden weight on her shoulder everytime she tries.
Yet I know she is strong and need to get up alone..
You can say I am the worst brother there is,
Cause I usually don’t reciprocate when I hear her cries

While this could go on forever,
I could type, till the my last breath in this life.
I can proudly say that I am one of the luckiest people..
To have a dear sister like her in my life.

Posted in BLOG

Silence

An endless abyss below me,
A glimpse of paradise sky high..
And yet I only found her always..
In the corner of my eye..

I tried to hear your silence,
Your breathing pattern, your cold eyes..
The slight turbulence, the shivering calm

While there was an annoying noise at the start,
A few stupid jokes, topped with some laughter.
I watched her while she wasn’t looking at me,
I just didn’t want my yearning eyes to be caught by her

Time passed fast, slowly silence settled between us,
I didn’t know, it would be so lovely, I would have never guessed
Even though we weren’t talking, I imagined everything she was gonna say.
We were sitting feet apart, yet she felt drifting away.

This was too sudden; I had kept my heart locked away.
And she came in without knocking, not even listening to what I had to say..
I didn’t know when it happened, where it went right or wrong..
I didn’t feel so weak… yesterday

Listening to music, trying to ignore all thoughts about her.
But after a few seconds, there was a storm at me, all about her..
I tried to sleep, I tried to ignore.. I was even ready to kill people for a while
But, we all know.. she cant be mine.

Posted in BLOG

Lost.

“Everything that I never wants to lose.. was already lost”

this is something thats going on my mind for quite some time, a few hours…a few days..  a few years.. nearing a decade even… yet I wasnt able to put it into something so simple.. just 10 words, explaining everything thats going on with me .. well not everything but a hell lot atleast, Everyone has dreams and goals in their life.. I usually have short termed goals, like getting a little better marks so I can pass, learning a few things to share with everyone, loving someone with all I have, being loved for who i am, and everything else, its a rather long list i will say, but yeah.. everything i have ever wanted, or didnt wanna lose.. was actually lost even before I obtained it.. 🙂

Its like.. funny to me now, but I used to get depressed a lot about it before.. work to obtain something, get better, and better and try to achieve it, and once you get your hand on it, this sudden realization struck you.. you are gonna lose it… itll be lost, the thing, whatever it is deserves better or you arent using it to its full potential, etc.. messed up thoughts swirling inside my brain like a never ending storm.. now these words resonate inside me, as clear as daylight. I am seriously messed up to another level, as quoted by someone really close to me.. and i was like yeah.. i am, i can tell everyone everything about me, if they care enough to ask me it once? and yet, im reluctant in asking whats wrong with them.. figuring out the tiniest fluctuations in the way they talk.. and im lazy.. and its soo much work and yet i do it..unconsciously now.

I dont wanna write more about it, just think about it with a calm mind and a serene heart,if anybody is reading this, give it a go, the simple line.. find a meaning between those simple words, and tell it to me in comments 🙂 itll be pretty awesome.