Posted in BLOG

Thought

The starry sky, the midnight moon, the sky never changes. I have been looking at the sky all my life, the twinkling stars, the ever changing moon, the hidden clouds stretching for miles, but tonight, it was different, I had no roof for shelter, nowhere to go to block my view from it. I closed my eyes, the void is now my greatest enemy, the action came with endless shivering and one single thought in my mind, I am useless. I have called myself that all my life, everyday, everynight, whenever anything went bad, it was my escape… I am useless, three words made me feel nothing, but solved everything.
Someone, called me everyone’s pet, just something to make me feel bad or hurt or to make me understand, I was foolish then. Now I exist, only between the voids, between the space people have when they are talking to someone, between the stares between two loved ones and between the street lights. I am missing nothing, but I still feel like everything has been stolen from me or sold at the expense of their entertainment, or their self satisfaction. Tired, Hungry and thirsty, I walked. The crowd, the people, endless cars going on and on, in their daily life, so repetitive, the rain, the thunder, the clouds, so stale. The rain hit me a little harder that day, with nothing to hold on to, no person to fall on to, nobody to talk to, I wasnt lonely, I had nothing to feel lonely. The idea of companionship as escaped my mind, and left me to rot. A soulless body, with only one command, to live, it never feels like i ever did any justice to it.
Is surviving the same as living? Is bowing your head down, keeping quiet, and just sacrificing yourself for somebody who doesnt care.. Living? If yes, I am living, by selling my parts, or using them to please others, I have lived, I have brought smiles on a million faces, I have helped them, took care of them, and did everything on my power to make them feel fulfilled. So why.. When I close my eyes, all of them seem to go away from me? Every single person i made smile, drifting away without looking back? Is it cause I deserved it? Or just cause i never differentiated between who to help and who to not?
Why everytime I close my eyes, I see myself alone, not crying, not laughing just standing, lifeless. Is it just my perspective of my personality right now? Or a premonition of something worse about to come to my way?
I know Im annoying, an idiot and a stupid person above that, but I love everyone, and i try my best, and everything, should I only concentrate on myself? And walk the way everyone is? Towards excellence
Cant i be like the lemon stand in marathon? Just watching the runners go by, giving them motivation and energy if needed, and if nothing else, greeting them with a smile and with eyes of awe, so they feel energized that someone is looking up to them? No.. I dont feel inferior to anyone else, nor am I scared.
We are all in a garden, a huge garden, a garden of sinners, and a garden of love, a garden of endless opportunity. I dont wanna run in the same crowd everyone is, if I have to, I wanna make my own path, in my own way. I dont wanna be bound by the norms, or religion or the society laws. The universe is endless, so is the human mind. When i was a kid, everything outside my house was endless, something to explore, i had restrictions yes, but only physically.. While sitting on the desk, or lying down resting my head on my mothers lap, my mind could roam to the edge of the universe and come back, and nobody would mind.
Now I am scared to take a step to the unknown, and not because, nobody would follow me, I dont want anyone i know or dont know to follow me,
I am just scared, when I return, everyone will be gone. Cause, everyone I have, have a part of me, a part of my soul, a part of my mind and a part of my heart. Without them it will be void, Call me Spineless, call me Everyone’s pet, but this is how I am. Cause the rain hits me harder, the thunder scares my heart, the darkness frightens me, but im not scared to be alone, im just scared when everyone leaves me, i would love it.

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Author:

I am just a software enthusiast, doing mechanical engineering from a government college, I love to write about things that intrigue which is mostly everything. I like to read a lot and game a lot. I like discussing about anything that interests a person, either me or the one im talking to as there is nothing more amazing than talking to a person who is excited and sharing something that makes them feel good.

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