I am like any other human, stupid.. Immature and easy to manipulate with a few kind words. What makes me different is that I have made all the wrong decisions. I didnt have the worst life possible, there are so many different individuals I personally know, who have had a worse life than me at every turn, but due to my choices, I had depression, anxiety, insecurity and i dont know what else. My family is very spiritual family, everyone in my bloodline believes in god, when I was on the streak to make choices, I decided not to believe in anything, not even in fictional god, it was probably the only right decision I made, cause I had nobody to believe in, at first it was really lonely, my depression wasnt getting me anywhere, with no hope and no willpower, my friends started getting irritated too, my love life on a continous decline and the only thing left was just me, all alone with no hope. I am not strong at all, I have tried to end my life numerous times, I dont know how I got over them, but i sure as hell know it wasnt my willpower.
After numerous suicides, and the changing attitude of people cause they are too annoyed or irritated by your behavior, I understood, nobody is gonna stay by your side forever, and nobody is going to help you without expecting something in return. I am a moron, so I tried to do exactly that, to help others without expecting in return, do it like charity but dont think youre doing charity. It was normal at first, nothing changed but then I got a few amazing friends, just by being myself and helping, I got two friends at first, unbreakable bonds, forever type friends. They were there whenever I needed them and helped me through some very tough times, I was wrong at many fronts and they would always try to guide me to the right path, it felt awesome.
Still, the depression lingered like a limb, it was eating me up from the inside for years and i fell in love again, and the same cycle repeated of thirst, depression and then suicide, anyone would get tired of it, so did she, and then i realised, nothing is enough. No matter how much you love, or how much you care or help someone, if your dark side is like a blackhole, people would get hurt, and they would grow apart from you slowly.
It was difficult and I had no idea what to do, I tried meditation, couldnt follow it. I tried to listen to motivational speeches watch motivational videos, play games to avoid any conflicts, everything.But no matter what I did, those feelings were temporary and the depression still lingered in the corner, smiling with a devilish look on its face. I was scared, and then it came to me. People discard things a lot dont they? When something gets old or when something is of no use anymore or hinders us, while they cant discard everything bad they still discard for their own benefit.
Even though, I knew that depression was in every aspect of my life, love, care, sweetness, sadness, lust, each and everyone of them had a bit of my depressed self mixed in it. I discarded everything, every feeling I had. It sounds so easy like a fairytale, but u have to kill yourself every night to remember the worst moments u had, relive your every past mistake in your mind, it makes you cry but you cant even shed tears, it makes you shiver but you have to control it by your shear willpower or by contracting urself into a much smaller self of yours, I had to do it for days, explaining it is a pain.. After that, once I was out of depression I felt better, like new, and then I realized i was nothing too, my love that i felt was gone, my sweet side felt fake to me, the way i used to help people didnt have the same meaning in my heart.
Those were some tough times, I remember how I treated everyone, it was the worst, cause if they were mean to me, I didnt feel anything and if i was mean to them, still I didnt. It took me a while, I was even suicidal in those times, i still shivered for days, but I never felt anything, it was scary cause before I had a reason to die, a motive, a backstory and a feeling, not it was nothing just a empty urge to just die. I couldnt understand what was happening to me.
It took me a long while, to gain back my feelings, one by one, and now, even though there is no happy ending cause I dont know what will happen tomorrow.
I am glad that now I know, That I have a tomorrow, and I am gonna live for it, I dont have any dreams now, or a drive to be something, and I am not even appealing 😛 but I am gonna live, maybe not for something grand but just for the small things for now, just to see that sun shine above my head and make me hide in the shadow cause its too hot, just for the regular fights between two people, just to watch cars go wrooom, just to play games with friends and hear them scream at each other and blame each other, just to walk everyday on the same journey and to go back to same spot, again and again.
I am not happy, I am not sad, I am not depressed, and I am not suicidal. I am awesome in a very weird way. I am alive 🙂