Posted in BLOG

Shit.. Me.. Synonym :) 

Well, this is gonna be a rant.. I’m a guy, and even before that I’m a son and I’m pissed off. I have had a pretty.. Messed up life.. And I didn’t tell my family about it, not cause I didn’t wanna share.. I just thought I’m a 15 year old kid going through depression, they have other things to worry about and get tensed about.. I let it be.. I kept it to myself.. I cried, I hurt myself and I made decision that made me something I never even dreamt of, but I didn’t let my family know.. I always try to smile in front of them, they were going through some drastic stuff I can’t share, so I smiled just to like let them feel, that I’m alright.. It hurted, I wanted them to understand me.. I’m their son.. But I couldn’t blurt it out with my own mouth.. I was a pretty blabbering kid when I was small, and now I’m only loud while writing and can’t even utter anything that’s blowing up inside my face to face.. So.. Anyway.. I didn’t let them know, i held it deep inside.. I hurt myself more.. It’s funny.. I didn’t hurt myself for an excuse or something like I love hurting myself.. I hate blood, I hate pain, i hate everything, and i hate that feeling in my stomach.. I just wanted my mental pain and my physical pain to be on the equal level i guess.. 

Even now, I cant utter anything to them, when I try, they slash back, not cause they don’t love me or anything like that.. They just don’t know me.. At all.. While they were trying and going through a drastic time.. All those teenage years of mine.. I was growing up inside four walls where the real me existed.. Outside.. There was a guy who smiled, played with her mother, went out and was so naughty and mischievous.. I could fake anything.. Anything at all.. Nothing to be proud of.. But I’m surviving through this.. One mask at a time.. People have mask..  They hide their true selves and show another face to the world.. I have masks.. Hundreds and thousands of masks.. One for each person.. For some I’m naughty.. For some I’m mischievous, for some I’m insightful and intellectual, some sweet some flirty and I could be anything else anytime I want, it’s like a switch, I could love you, hate you, flirt with you and even treat you like shit, in a difference of milliseconds.. Just to make most of the time.. To be useful to someone to make life easier for someone that’s all i work on.. 

And right now I’m totally useless, I cant do shit right now.. I can’t help anyone with all my strength cause I’m confined to this smartphone with shitty net and no wifi no computer.. I’m good with my arsenal.. I could make anything done with time.. If you needed a rocket science engineer I’ll learn everything that’ll be needed in an hour, I’ll get help, I’ll make contacts and then make most of you.. And all I’m doing right now is postponing, my best friend asked for my help the other day, he really needed me and all I said was, sorry bro, i have no computer here.. Cant help.. And i felt so bad, i hate being useless i hate it more than anything else. I want my parents to understand that.. And u know what’s funny.. I’m writing this in front of my parents they are just sitting across me watching TV and they don’t even know I’m breaking apart.. I made all the wrong choices.. I grew apart from my family and I can’t blame them for anything thats happening..i just want to be witnessed..by my parents.. To see what I’m without me writing it down or telling them.. Cause I tried that and all I got was another lecture on what a shitty person I’m and how unfortunate they are to have me as their son..

 I just want anyone, someone who i can be true with where I don’t need to wear a mask when I see their msg or a missed call ot their face or anything else.. I wanna be true, i don’t need love or affection or friendship or anything.. I just want someone I can be true with.. But.. Its all impossible 
I guess I deserve it.. Knowing the kind of shit person I’m.. 🙂 

Advertisements

Author:

I am just a software enthusiast, doing mechanical engineering from a government college, I love to write about things that intrigue which is mostly everything. I like to read a lot and game a lot. I like discussing about anything that interests a person, either me or the one im talking to as there is nothing more amazing than talking to a person who is excited and sharing something that makes them feel good.

12 thoughts on “Shit.. Me.. Synonym :) 

  1. Its the total opposite with my parents .. they keep me in cage and literally force me to accomplish … they don’t even want to know the real me .. they just want me to be the girl like any other .. i need to be a totally different person with them

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t even know what my parents want from me now.. It’s just.. Really weird now :p, and we all are a different person with our parents.. It’s sad.. Home should be the place where you can be yourself and be comfortable

      Liked by 1 person

  2. if u r into reading books , do read ” all the bright places” , it is an amazing book .
    Two 15 years old who r living behind masks , they meet each other and realize that they can be themselves with each other .. u truly beautiful story

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Every word you said reminded me of one of my best friend that I have who has gone through the same kind of experience. I wish I could help him but he refused to put down all those masks he hides in.

    Just want to say that your words really hit a string on me! Thank you for putting the feelings into words. Your blog is beyond awesome. I think I’m in love with it (don’t freak out!) 😀 😀 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s