Shit.. Me.. Synonym :)

Well, this is gonna be a rant.. I’m a guy, and even before that I’m a son and I’m pissed off. I have had a pretty.. Messed up life.. And I didn’t tell my family about it, not cause I didn’t wanna share.. I just thought I’m a 15 year old kid going through depression, they have other things to worry about and get tensed about.. I let it be.. I kept it to myself.. I cried, I hurt myself and I made decision that made me something I never even dreamt of, but I didn’t let my family know.. I always try to smile in front of them, they were going through some drastic stuff I can’t share, so I smiled just to like let them feel, that I’m alright.. It hurted, I wanted them to understand me.. I’m their son.. But I couldn’t blurt it out with my own mouth.. I was a pretty blabbering kid when I was small, and now I’m only loud while writing and can’t even utter anything that’s blowing up inside my face to face.. So.. Anyway.. I didn’t let them know, i held it deep inside.. I hurt myself more.. It’s funny.. I didn’t hurt myself for an excuse or something like I love hurting myself.. I hate blood, I hate pain, i hate everything, and i hate that feeling in my stomach.. I just wanted my mental pain and my physical pain to be on the equal level i guess.. 

Even now, I cant utter anything to them, when I try, they slash back, not cause they don’t love me or anything like that.. They just don’t know me.. At all.. While they were trying and going through a drastic time.. All those teenage years of mine.. I was growing up inside four walls where the real me existed.. Outside.. There was a guy who smiled, played with her mother, went out and was so naughty and mischievous.. I could fake anything.. Anything at all.. Nothing to be proud of.. But I’m surviving through this.. One mask at a time.. People have mask..  They hide their true selves and show another face to the world.. I have masks.. Hundreds and thousands of masks.. One for each person.. For some I’m naughty.. For some I’m mischievous, for some I’m insightful and intellectual, some sweet some flirty and I could be anything else anytime I want, it’s like a switch, I could love you, hate you, flirt with you and even treat you like shit, in a difference of milliseconds.. Just to make most of the time.. To be useful to someone to make life easier for someone that’s all i work on.. 

And right now I’m totally useless, I cant do shit right now.. I can’t help anyone with all my strength cause I’m confined to this smartphone with shitty net and no wifi no computer.. I’m good with my arsenal.. I could make anything done with time.. If you needed a rocket science engineer I’ll learn everything that’ll be needed in an hour, I’ll get help, I’ll make contacts and then make most of you.. And all I’m doing right now is postponing, my best friend asked for my help the other day, he really needed me and all I said was, sorry bro, i have no computer here.. Cant help.. And i felt so bad, i hate being useless i hate it more than anything else. I want my parents to understand that.. And u know what’s funny.. I’m writing this in front of my parents they are just sitting across me watching TV and they don’t even know I’m breaking apart.. I made all the wrong choices.. I grew apart from my family and I can’t blame them for anything thats happening..i just want to be witnessed..by my parents.. To see what I’m without me writing it down or telling them.. Cause I tried that and all I got was another lecture on what a shitty person I’m and how unfortunate they are to have me as their son..

 I just want anyone, someone who i can be true with where I don’t need to wear a mask when I see their msg or a missed call ot their face or anything else.. I wanna be true, i don’t need love or affection or friendship or anything.. I just want someone I can be true with.. But.. Its all impossible 
I guess I deserve it.. Knowing the kind of shit person I’m.. 🙂