Sometimes it feels like the daily prompt team knows all the shits that’s going down in my life and give the prompt just to push me over the edge.. Seriously f u guys.. Anyway
Today, 6th September 2016, is the birthday of my ex (: we had a closure 2 months ago, and yes you can guess it, I am the asshole who did it, there was nothing else that could be done.. I won’t explain.. Anyway… I remember each one of her birthday 🙂 how we celebrated them, before or after, what i gifted her, how much time I spent on them and everything, this day I could go all out, make her feel special to do something that makes her proud of me at least etc.. And today.. There would be nothing.. No. Photos of her in her birthday dress or her photos of eating her car.. She telling me how lovely the gift was and then tell me how she spent her day, friends were over party, fun, craziness all out of control.. I loved them and also hated them.. Cause i have never been there at this time.. Before this or after this.. And after the closure she won’t even listen to me.
I made her nothing this time.. No gifts or software or videos or anything.. Cause I shivered every time i held my pen or pencil or even thought of making a gift for her…i don’t deserve to make anything for her.. I destroyed her.. This’ll be my punishment for a life time every year.. On this day.. I won’t be able to sleep at night.. I’ll wake up all feeling empty and every night on this day.. I’ll feel like killing myself.. Thinking i could have done. More.. Maybe asked someone else to make her something.. Tell someone something she loves etc.. I couldn’t.. All i could do.. Was write this half shitty poem.. Which i can’t even show her 🙂 i miss her and i love her but she won’t ever get to know this.. Cause when i left her I was as rude as possible as strict like. A rock that cannot be moved.. While inside I was breaking apart, too scared to show or tell what was really happening.. Cause there is no support for someone like me.. Never was never will. Be (:
The Month of September
The month of fall..
You’re born in such a beautiful month..
Yet are better than them all..
2 months since I haven’t heard your voice.
Or a text or a msg or a missed call..
2 months since my mind is filled with nothing but noise..
As you were the one that calmed it all..
I miss you..
That’s all I could say..
But as soon as I type it..
I erase it all away..
I miss your touch..
How your eyes glittered in the night..
How you called me an asshole..
And also those meaningless fights..
I look at your contact..
I’m probably still blocked..
But are you hearing this?
I’m screaming with all i have got..
I couldn’t even wish you birthday like I wanted to..
Couldn’t say how lovely you are..
Couldn’t even make you feel special..
I have lost everything.. And now you feel so far..
This poem will never reach you..
My words will remain forever out of your sight.
As there is no hope in them.. No emotions..
Its just total void… Far away from any light.
I hope you don’t love me anymore..
I really hope you don’t care..
Cause if anyone ever did that..
It won’t be really fair 🙂