Posted in BLOG

Crossing through the Threshold

As the clock ticked behind my back, I waited for the hours and minutes to become one, and get to midnight.., it was my birthday :D, as the clock reached 00:00 the silence slowly covered my heart, it became suffocating, and slowly the wishes came, bringing me back to reality..
why do we wait for our birthday? more than that, why do we wait to get wished by people both close to us and even from the ones we have lost contact with.. through a whole year of heartbreaks and falling in love again.. to failures and success that happen at every point of our lives, every time just the day before our birthday there is this heavy weight on our heart.. would they remember my birthday? Have i been enough of an impact in their life? Maybe I am forgotten.. and so on and so forth.. but some people stay from the highs and lows walking by your side.. and yet This time, I found myself Standing at the same place i was two years ago.. I am stuck, by the chains I bound myself with a long time ago.. and after thinking and pulling and pushing for quite a while, Today.. I was made to just stop and think.. I was lectured for quite a while, and it felt so good :D, the seconds felt like hours, and every word was a whole story.
So I am here,filling my own mind with confusion and pessimistic thoughts, I was being held down by my own being.. my fear of never ever being enough or failing and causing issues and losing people, but yeah I got more than enough insight to work with..
I cant force myself out of these chains.. ill have to take them off, unscrew them or whatever it takes one by one.. and the worse thing about it is, I dont know what they are.. maybe im just trying to make it up in my mind.. but even if I am.. I still have to get out of it somehow.. and to do that Ill need to start somewhere.. So im gonna try to get motivated at first.. or maybe segregate things out and tackle them one by one.. its a threshold.. and I have to cross it..
Crossing through this threshold would be the first thing ill have to work on before starting anything new.. get through my issues, either solve them and if they cant be solved be content with what i am.. 🙂 My birthday hopefully will be the new year for me.

Crossing

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Posted in BLOG

Echo..

It’s been a while since I have written and I dont think it’s alright for me to just hop on the train again without paying some hefty price or something.. but a friend told me she really wants me to write and read my posts and I did try to procrastinate it for a few more days, but then.. here I am.. opening myself out and screaming with the few words I can muster at my will…
Well, the last few days have been pretty gruesome for me I will say.. I have exams in less than a week and I havent started studying shit, not cause I dont want to, its just.. I am not really ready for the results of it? I am scared of giving it my all and just never resulting into anything favorable.. Like.. if you ever get a chance to go to mountains or an open enough space and if you scream loud enough? THere will be an echo right? One loud scream of yours, you gave it your all.. and then some more distant shorter ones slowly dissipating into the air with nothing left, and we.. just scream again cause listening to our echo means that what we did resulted in something more beautiful, yet.. we cant scream all the time right? Cause it dissipates.. everything at some point does dissipate.. and giving it your all while screaming for an echo is not an hefty job, so people tend to do it pretty easily without any prior thoughts about it, studying or well loving on the other hand is a long processed work right? you have to sharpen your skills, get better and give it your all? and when it ends up to nothing its just.. painful in some manner, while being in the void has taught me that if you do nothing, nothing will happen to you.. its law of equivalent exchange as in FullMetal Alchemist etc… while one of my close friends told me, I always do half-assed action.. I dont go full throttle at something, well yea I dont.. and the only excuse i can muster is that. cause if I go full throttle, I may lose you and others and I dont wanna be alone cause of my mistakes again. there is so much more on my mind xD, she told me I bend too much.. and I cant deny it or make an excuse for it.. I do, I accept everything haphazardly, and make things calm down as soon as possible, what sucks is that when the other party goes away and I am alone.. there is this stinging continuous pain inside me asking me why did you do that? why didnt you stand up to your feelings and let it all out? when everything on your inside was screaming and breaking apart, why did you just send a laughing smiley and say something funny or weird so nobody can notice? well.. I dont know, its mostly cause I dont wanna ruin anyone elses life anymore, like mine is already half way through hell.. dont want anyone else to be there.. but I am the only reason for this stuff happening to me and I cant do anythign about it can I? above that…people usually have dreams and hopes right>? some goal and ambition that they strive and work for.. well I am conflicted, cause.. well I know what I want to do in life, its pretty stupid but ill keep trying until I make it a reality thats for sure, but I dont know what I want to become.. like what i want to do doesnt want to be anything? I am not accounted for anywhere except obviously behind the scenes maybe, some name hidden in some book at some corner.. a signature on an unfulfilled contract types existence, but yet I wanna be more.. I wanna become something while doing something thats entirely different, but living two lives is.. tiring, and I have no idea what i want to become,i I have to start somewhere right? And I have no idea where to start.. Travelling is fun to do, but it sucks when you dont know where to take the first step :/
Echo

Posted in BLOG

Sister

Brought up through hell,
Yet she could wear a bright smile.
Even though her heart was breaking apart..
She could hold someone else up with all her might..

While memories still haunted her.
Her tears had all the truth in her eyes..
Her past slowly destroying her present
She still had a strong lookout for the future in sight.

She held my hand when I was small,
I still remember her slap, that was projected at my face.
Yet she protected me in silence,
From all the hell, she witnessed every day

We grew apart with time,
But still she would be a dear old sister of mine.
Its probably impossible to connect like normal siblings.
But just for her smile, ill give up my life.

While she lacks in nothing she wants to do,
There is a still a sudden weight on her shoulder everytime she tries.
Yet I know she is strong and need to get up alone..
You can say I am the worst brother there is,
Cause I usually don’t reciprocate when I hear her cries

While this could go on forever,
I could type, till the my last breath in this life.
I can proudly say that I am one of the luckiest people..
To have a dear sister like her in my life.

Posted in BLOG

Silence

An endless abyss below me,
A glimpse of paradise sky high..
And yet I only found her always..
In the corner of my eye..

I tried to hear your silence,
Your breathing pattern, your cold eyes..
The slight turbulence, the shivering calm

While there was an annoying noise at the start,
A few stupid jokes, topped with some laughter.
I watched her while she wasn’t looking at me,
I just didn’t want my yearning eyes to be caught by her

Time passed fast, slowly silence settled between us,
I didn’t know, it would be so lovely, I would have never guessed
Even though we weren’t talking, I imagined everything she was gonna say.
We were sitting feet apart, yet she felt drifting away.

This was too sudden; I had kept my heart locked away.
And she came in without knocking, not even listening to what I had to say..
I didn’t know when it happened, where it went right or wrong..
I didn’t feel so weak… yesterday

Listening to music, trying to ignore all thoughts about her.
But after a few seconds, there was a storm at me, all about her..
I tried to sleep, I tried to ignore.. I was even ready to kill people for a while
But, we all know.. she cant be mine.

Posted in BLOG

Lost.

“Everything that I never wants to lose.. was already lost”

this is something thats going on my mind for quite some time, a few hours…a few days..  a few years.. nearing a decade even… yet I wasnt able to put it into something so simple.. just 10 words, explaining everything thats going on with me .. well not everything but a hell lot atleast, Everyone has dreams and goals in their life.. I usually have short termed goals, like getting a little better marks so I can pass, learning a few things to share with everyone, loving someone with all I have, being loved for who i am, and everything else, its a rather long list i will say, but yeah.. everything i have ever wanted, or didnt wanna lose.. was actually lost even before I obtained it.. 🙂

Its like.. funny to me now, but I used to get depressed a lot about it before.. work to obtain something, get better, and better and try to achieve it, and once you get your hand on it, this sudden realization struck you.. you are gonna lose it… itll be lost, the thing, whatever it is deserves better or you arent using it to its full potential, etc.. messed up thoughts swirling inside my brain like a never ending storm.. now these words resonate inside me, as clear as daylight. I am seriously messed up to another level, as quoted by someone really close to me.. and i was like yeah.. i am, i can tell everyone everything about me, if they care enough to ask me it once? and yet, im reluctant in asking whats wrong with them.. figuring out the tiniest fluctuations in the way they talk.. and im lazy.. and its soo much work and yet i do it..unconsciously now.

I dont wanna write more about it, just think about it with a calm mind and a serene heart,if anybody is reading this, give it a go, the simple line.. find a meaning between those simple words, and tell it to me in comments 🙂 itll be pretty awesome.

Posted in BLOG

My Favorite Book…

Dear.. you,
I, Me, am usually too cheesy, too sweet? I dont know how to flirt.. and I seriously dont know how to be normal.. But I love writing, and most texts are meant to be short and concise.. I am neither xD, I am long and confusing.. so here it goes..
Every person has a story, every person has a past.. a present and a future.. so do you.. and I may never know everything about your story.. just the highlights.. but every moment of your life, every second meant something :O, and I am a total idiot so I wanna know that something.. anyway.. dont wanna be weird always..
Every person is a book, a beautiful.. interesting book, with a story, obvo they being the protagonist, some other characters and a plot, sometimes numerous plots? going on with numerous timelines too.. depends on what kind of person you are..
Here.. for a while, you have been my favorite book.. like literally, I made a book of you in my mind, beside the image i already created when we first started talking, which was really.. weird.. anyway, So the book is mostly empty right? i dont know much about your past, i dont know much about your future.. I wanna talk to you more, cause I wanna know what happens at every moment, just to fill it in the book, and maybe one day present it to you as a gift,.. which would be really weird considering that.. itll be kinda stalker behavior? I am not a stalker, im just thoroughly excited as you are pretty unique.. While.. I am not the only one writing in that virtual book of mine, you do too? like when you tell me something that happened in your past, something you insecure about, whats the best about you and whats the worst about you.. if I have to like.. make you understand, its like you are beautiful right? you are awesome, so everything in that book is pretty cool, beautiful handwriting, the font size, there are even a few drawings here and there.. and thats all good and all. and yet there are some cuts, and some parts like scribbled hurriedly over, something that you did or said that you regretted, some insecurity, some random events that werent meant to happen in a perfect, perfect life… and you know right? I hate perfection :O, I am the farthest thing from perfection, I am volatile..like.. not in a good way at all, anyway.. so those, scribbled marks, cuts, and repairs you have done in your story.. those are what makes you, you? I know that I probably wont like the girl you ever where, not cause it was bad or anything, she was amazing as heck too.. its more like i have been in a similar situation, and we both were too scared and too insecure to do anything about it, and it took us a while to realize that we werent supposed to stay here, which i should love in fact right? but that era of me, I hate him too lol.. I saw a post.. it went like,

“Imagine a future where your daughter is going out with a guy exactly like who you are, Did you Smile? if you didnt.. Change..” and  I have been following it ever since I guess? be someone my daughter would be lucky to go out with.. I always hated the society and the mindset of people we live in? but I was too lazy to well, live out of it? I will be considered crazy! I will be called weird and pagal, ill be looked at differently, ill be misunderstood and probs be alone? it took me a while and  i realized that, i wont ever be loved..? etc..I told you everything i guess, anyway.. I got to know you are still on the process of knowing yourself, and i wanted to ask.. oi, can u tell me everything u realize about yourself? plis.. but i thought itll be, too weird? i mean we are comfortable with each other, but i guess there are limits? I cant know everything about you, but i should still try to figure you out by my own mind right?

I.. forgot what the flirt was xD.. so ill just say random stuff..? I lied? :O I did say I dont ever want to be your weakness, and I still dont :), but I never wanna be your strength either? its more like.. I wanna be there while you are living, hopefully the closest person? but i dont wanna hold your hand and tell you how to walk etc, I will grab your hand if you fall, every single time..  but I will let go as soon as you are stable, I wont leave or anything.. im not that.. stupid? ill still be by your side, like.. maybe what im trying to say is, its lonely to walk and live your life alone.. its beautiful to walk and live your life when someone is holding your hand, and you are each others support.. and yet I dont want either.. I dont want a hand, or even a pinky finger.. maybe i want to run like meters ahead of you telling you to catch up slowpoke? or just be lazy somedays and lag behind and say wait for me yaa.. i am tired? oh well.. im weird and i cant really keep anything inside of me so its like..918 words till now xD, and im thinking oh fuck this is too much talking, she will probs be weirded out or something right? and leave and stop replying to me.. ( i think about everything) but then im like… atleast i should drag it to a thousand na? get a milestone or something.. maybe i should have written a poem.. that you are my favorite book, and its not perfect.. it has scratches and everything, and thats what makes it my favorite.. cause everytime i try to remind myself on how you are, what you are.. i read the book, and in between those beautiful pages, the well written verse.. there are few scratches, some empty void, some cuts, some repairs and just some silly mistakes we used to make as kid.. the marks of erasers is there, the smell of the ink is still fresh.. you are you, and I dont think i can say it ever enough you are awesome.. (1080 words). Bye

Posted in BLOG

Urge..to be ..Original

I love writing, and yet I cant bring myself to write randomly or everyday even though I am feeling an urge to let my thoughts out.. I usually have someone to talk to, someone who would listen to me with ears all open.. and sometimes I am alone, the void slowly sinking in.. I dont hate being alone and I am not scared of the void.. We got an understanding long ago.. I talked with my demons.. we made a deal.. We are going all out.. Before Today.. I couldnt write cause.. I wanted to be.. original? I dont wanna have thoughts that are already in someone elses mind, I dont wanna write something thats there somewhere in this universe.. an urge to be original, be different, be unique.. but..well no more :3

My talk with well my dark side wasnt peaceful at all, its a tug of war.. sorta, whos gonna win.. whos gonna lose.. whats gonna happen.. will i be filled with sorrow, or will i be able to smile again? it was on a whim.. but I just let go of that.. rope? and decided to discuss… I am gonna be crazy..So, well my dark side is pretty rude, over bearing possessive and it wants to conquer everything, in a demonic way.. I am demonic.. not just plain old evil life in the bible mythology.. I dont choose good or bad.. I am a demon..so well,  I am pretty good too? like the light side is.. pretty sweet, awesome… random jokes and I will do anything to make everyne happy..  I love everyone and will give my life away for them..

So.. its like a coin right? two sides of a coin,dark side and light side.. :3 I burned it all… like it wasnt really hurting or anything.. just u feel all those reactions happening rapidly inside you the changes, happening drastically.. and im really observant.. maybe too observant. so i Could witness every single change in me, itll take a whole long while to tell them all so.. compressing the information… I am point now :3 A single point like.. a singularity and I can be anything and everything, so well I am gonna start again with following the daily prompts, letting my thoughts flow freely, no matter if they already exist or will exist in someone elses life. I am gonna enjoy it :3 there is no rule saying that a copy or a similar creation.. cant be better than original.

Original