Feeling it.. Or not?

… So

I’m a writer, not a really good one, but I occasionally write stuff… And just a while ago I started writing without any push or a hurricane of emotions.. Writing to write without any thought or based of an incident or issue.. It all started whenever i felt a surge of emotions, be it love, despair, happiness or others.. So It was fun to express your thoughts into words.. I sucked at start but I practiced and improved it.. I’m still improving… Now I can write whenever I feel like, controlling my emotions to a certain extent.. But still there is something.. Wrong.. With me.. 

• I don’t feel anymore.. Or well I think that I can’t feel anymore.. And yet I can channel my emotions to write something for someone or even for my own satisfaction.. It works out but the problem is.. I can love anyone.. With all the words in the world.. I can love someone deeply and truly.. And I can even start thinking that I truly love them.. Even make myself believe that.. Now it works out but it’s not true love is it? I can’t just love them without truly feeling it.. Maybe I’m too desperate or maybe i truly love them but I’m not sure.. I’ll never be sure about it.. And it’s not just one.. I seem to able to love everyone.. Every person I know i love them a lot.. They are special and If possible I wanna show them how much more they are.. And how stupid they are to think of themselves as anyone below.. And I wanna know them. More.. Not just their secrets but things even they don’t realise..but I’m just a friend.. And I don’t wanna try and become a bf to love them.. Gf/bf… If it doesn’t work out.. It’ll become awkward and I don’t want it to be awkward.. I just want it to be forever whatever it is.. Now I do try to make them realise how amazing they all are.. By gifts ( i give them my all) or just while conversing.. And obvo they don’t take me seriously.. And I hate it.. So sometimes i feel like let’s go all out and love them.. But it’ll be just words.. And I don’t feel anything anymore.. I hate it.. And I don’t know what to do.. 
• It’s probably nothing but just a rant now.. And.. I don’t even know what I’m trying to make others understand or listen to.. I really wanna love someone cause I just broke up a while ago and I can feel the void eating me up.. But if I can love.. I don’t wanna just be unsure about it.. I wanna be loved. And I don’t want any half-hearted feelings… My god.. I’m irritating.. Sorry.. :p
• Ultimately all there is.. I can lovr anyone with all the words in the world and everyone one of them would be true.. But whenever I’m alone.. I won’t miss them.. Whenever they leave.. I won’t feel it.. I’ll miss them.. I’ll wait for them.. But i won’t yearn for them and.. They won’t make me feel. Alive.. 🙂 i wanna feel. Alive